From: rapp@stimpy.eecis.udel.edu (Brian Rapp)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Trip Report:  The Museum of Questionable Medical Devices
Date: 19 May 1995 21:14:35 GMT

After cruising Minneapolis aimlessly for a while, I finally located
Main Street, which turns out to be a brick-and-cobblestone affair, at least
until it degenerates into a barely-paved pothole-filled affair.  The
mighty Mississippi flows nearby, although it's much smaller in person.

The MQMD is actually a little nook smaller than your average deli, filled
with ancient and mysterious devices of questionable medical value.  As I
entered, it was filled with the sounds of extremely repetitive UFO music.
Mercifully, these sounds were soon terminated by the assistant curator.

I got my head examined by a genuine antique phrenology machine.  In the old
days, gullible people would pay as much as a dollar for the privilege of
being analyzed by this marvelous contraption, but savvy modern folks such
as myself can laugh at its pseudoscientific pronouncements for a mere
two bucks.  You get to wear this nifty colander on your head, and it
measures your head bumps while printing your mental makeup with a steady
clackety-clack.  I'm sadly "deficient" in Individuality, and "low average"
in Causality and Ideality.  I am, however, "superior" in Eventuality,
Agreeability, Veneration, Perceptives, Execution, Secretiveness, Caution,
Amativeness, Sexamity, Friendship, Parental Love, Inhabitiveness, Continuity,
Dignity, Firmness, Combativeness, Approbation, and Exactness.  Wow.

Lots of wonderful literature is available, which I will attempt to summarize:

"THE TIMELY WARNING:  Prevents Night Emissions By Arousing the Wearer"
	- Easily the most horrible thing.  Big Sharp Teeth!  Aie!

"ROAD TO SUCCESS:  Auto-Suggestion Anti-Bash Tablets"
	- No, they don't prevent you from being bashed, but they do save you
		from the fate of the "Bashful Lovers" who sit chastely
		on a sofa with a cat in between them.  Perhaps you feed
		them to the cat to eliminate your problem.

"THE RADIUM WATER WORKED JUST FINE UNTIL HIS JAW CAME OFF"
	- The heart-warming story of times when radioactive elements were
		really keen.  If it doesn't kill you, maybe you'll be stronger.

"HYPERAEMIA:  Four in one -- Vacuum, Moist-Heat, Vibration, and Electricity"
	- Tasteful illustration of its application to one's pelvic region.

"VIBRATION IS LIFE!  The White Cross Electric Vibrator On Free Trial!"
	- Includes a testimonial from Mrs. S. H. Brown:
		"I used to go to town for that, while I now save the money
		 and the time, besides being comfortable in my own home."
	- A scholarly report from "Electric Quarterly" notes that
		"women would be tempted to take more treatment than they
		 really required."

"POISONED BLOOD:  Hot Springs, Arkansas"
	- Before taking the Hot Springs cure, the sad young man sits alone.
		After, he is shown sucking the life from some poor maiden.

"LEG RING ROLLER:  The New and Improved MacLevy 1957 Model"
	- Illustration shows smiling model being crushed to death between
		large steel coils.  "Guaranteed reducing of calf and thigh
		measurements", sure enough.

"MANHOOD:  LOST... ... AND FOUND!"
	- To avoid looking like the dour man shown in "sexual decline",
		one should BE A HEALTH BELT MAN!
	- The belt includes metallic disks and wires suggesting electricity,
		but the active ingredient turns out to be capiscum.  Yow!

"GROW TALLER NOW:  Short Fellows Don't Get Far"
	- The sad little tale of poor Billy, who loses at love and life
		because he's too short.  The remedial device in question
		seems to be a variation on the rack, of course.

"OXYPATHOR:  Gives Perfect Health Protection from the Cradle to Old Age"
	- "Appendicitis and similar local complaints need never again
		be dreaded."  This should put you right out of your misery.

"THE VAMPIRE OF YOUTH"
	- "The Corroding Ulcer that is Eating Its Way Slowly Into the
		Vitals of Thousands of Young Men and Unfitting them for
		Both the Duties and Pleasures of Life"
	- "The Relentless Vengeance of Youthful Folly or Ignorance"
	- "The Searing of the Young Soul with the Hot Coals of
		Unbridled Passion"
	- ... you get the idea.  Maybe it's that fellow from the Hot Springs.

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| Brian Rapp | rapp@cis.udel.edu | Ferret | "and many times confused"
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