>John Michael Scalzi, II (scalzi@cris.com) wrote:
>The following is an e-mail I sent to Newt Gingrich, in the wake of the
>discovery of his comments on the biological urge of men to "hunt giraffes"
>and to wallow in ditches "like little piglets":
>
>
>Dear Mr. Gingrich:
>
>My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in
>Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments
>about men, women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt
>giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct a poll to see whether
>that innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the little piglet wallowing urge) is
>in fact alive and well in the average American male.
>
>While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically
>whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised of white,
>college-educated, gainfully employed males, I nevertheless feel that the
>information gleaned from this poll will be of some value to someone,
>somewhere, some time. Perhaps you yourself, should the subject of
>instinctual giraffe slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it
>takes up the bulk of my column, to be published this Wednesday, January 25.
>
>Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever the
>case may be.
>
>1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe?
>        Yes: 0%
>        No: 100%
>
>2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
>        Yes:4%
>        No: 96%
>
>3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe?
>        Yes: 8%
>        No: 92%
>
>4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal?
>        Yes: 20%
>        No: 80%
>
>5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the following
>   would you choose?
>        a) Zebra: 2%
>        b) Rhino: 6%
>        c) Meerkat: 12%
>        d) Boar: 42%
>        e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36%
>
>6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?
>        Yes: 38%
>        No: 62%
>
>7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to set up
>   giraffe ranches?
>        Yes: 92%
>         No: 8%
>
>8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get the
>   urge to stick him with a spear?
>        Yes: 40%
>        No: 60%
>
>9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt a
>   giraffe?
>        Yes: 74%
>        No: 26%
>
>10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools, or simply
>    his own mouth?
>        Tools: 48%
>        Mouth: 52%
>
>11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a little
>    piglet?
>        Hunt: 30%
>        Wallow: 70%
>
>12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?
>        Yes: 22%
>        No: 78%
>
>13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?
>        Yes: 54%
>        No: 46%
>
>14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?
>        Yes: 58%
>        No: 42%
>
>15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?
>        Yes: 18%
>        No: 82%
>
>c.1995 John Scalzi
>
>John M. Scalzi, II